Saturday, December 11, 2010

A week later.......bout lost it last week

Last week was such a hard and emotional week for me, I really came as near as I know to a major melt down, now I know what your thinking, you have to have it together to have a break down:) I am not talking just falling all the way to the bottom and not being able to pull out, but I had gotten so hurt and so angry and so ready to fight for my life and daughter that it scared me:)) just a crying emotional wreck, in saying that, I do not cry easily, even if I want to sometimes, its just had for me, I think as a young girl I learned to muster it up and hold it all in, but last week when I read some chats concerning April I totally lost it, cried, screamed, begged God to help me keep it together, cussed, planned some unreal things in my mind, nothing to harm myself or others, just in case your thinking that, but just wanting to totally get my daughter and run, in which as you and I both know, I cannot do that, or I would have to do it the rest of our lives:( and as much as I would like to think my way is the right way, its not, each of us have to make our own decisions for our life, good or I was having my melt down, I got a phone call from Pastor at the church April goes to and went to see him, Alicia went with me because I was such a basket case, before the time for the appointment I knew I needed help getting my self together, I thought of who I could call but was crying so hard no one could of understood me on the phone and I would of scared who ever I woud call, so I went to my BFF Sherry's, she had just had oral surgery, had her read the chats and as she read and she was so quiet, I just sat and wailed, and she let me, it was what I needed to get all the emotions of this past year out, I also took a half of Zanax, to help me quit shaking and wailing:) then went to see Pastor, I could not have be blest more by him and his sweet wife, God was so faithful to me and to those who prayed for me. The zanax kicked in when we were leaving, ahhhhh and I totally felt it:) Steve was hunting during all this, when e talked he said have you been drinking? I said not but took a zanax:) As I said in previous post, Pastor said he would not marry April with out mine and Steve's blessing, he told me he did believe in long court ships but not long engagements, which I agree. I then had a afternoon with April which went wonderful, she knows I am her mother and I will fight to hell and back for her, I will always be her mother and nothing can ever separate us, I have thought of my role as a parent, you know it never stops, I guess in her rejection of me I rejected her and put a wall up so I would protect my heart, well that wall came tumbling down, and if I get hurt then God will heal me, same goes for her with me, we will hurt each other that is life, but we know that we know that we know, we have a mother/daughter bond that will not be broke, it is built on the foundation of Jesus. we prayed, cried and loved on each other, when our babies are little they need us for everything, as they gown they need us less, as the marry they need us less, but your role as a parent to them never stops, when they hurt you hurt, when they need help you are there, that is the way parent hood is:) My heart has had some resolve, still have some strong feeling towards the situation April is in but I have given that to God, he will help me:) Through reading the chats, I now know April was being manipulated, in which helped me to see where all this was coming from. April spent the night last night, she helped me wrap gifts, much needed help:) and helped Steve put a toy together for Blake, she is asleep in her own bed:) do not get me wrong I love it that my kids are grown and come and visit, I love my home and time with Steve alone, but miss my babies when they are not her and love it when they are:) usually ready fro them to leave when they do:)) we are going to condo today and spend the night to make sure water is dripping and heat is on:0 its going to be cold, cold, cold and I am lovin that! I am ready for Christmas and can just relax and enjoy the blessing of this time of year and it feels sooooo good, glad I had my melt down and glad God is so faithful, Glad I have friends and family who keep me in their prayers through all this, Glad April is waiting on marriage and just dating for awhile, Glad I do not have the stomach bug, Glad I love my hubby and he loves me, Glad mother is doing ok, Glad I have my sweet sister and Colin, Just thankful today for all my many blessings, count them one by one and it will change your out look, lets be thankful that Christmas is all year long in the fact Jesus is Christmas!! hugs

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