Tuesday, October 30, 2012

HUMMMMM a better place of mind

Well its Monday night and I can not sleep, I have a Realtor's open house tomorrow, made fudge cakes, making huge salad with everything in it and had Faye make a HUGE pan of chicken spaghetti, she is a caregiver that mother had, she can cook! I hope to feed about 60ish people tomorrow, they will tour the homes I have listed, so they can help me get them sold:)
Sunday was a real turning point for me, I think I have moved forward in my grieving, I have been able to look at some of the things that were mother's and enjoy them and not miss her so much:) I have cleaned out her clothes and put my winter clothes in that closet, I am trying to say back bed room instead of mother's room now, except for her things that I have of hers are in that room so it really is a expression of her:)  I just feel I am at a better place mentally , not as depressed as I was, looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas! I have no doubt the Lord did a special work in me Sunday am before church and finished it at church:) I am ever so thankful, by nature I am not a depressed type person, more out going and full of energy, but I had lost some of that, so I am glad to have it back! I thought daddy has been gone forty years, Walt has been gone three years this May and time has helped with the grieving and missing them, so I know time will help with mother too. I am grateful to have friends and  children and husband who understands me:)
We have a lot of loans in closing, so I am very busy at work, getting loans closed is not easy, it is the hardest part of my job, keeping everyone happy, I have one now that is late on closing, it is still in underwriting, the seller who gets on my last nerve is so rude and sarcastic, its all I can do to even try to get it worked out, but the sweet young single mother who is buying it wants it so bad, I just pray the seller will be realistic in the deal and let her have the time she needs to get it closed, its of no fault of hers that it is not closed, this kind of loan takes longer because the market is so busy. Another one I have the buyer had a good credit score when she applied, they always re check credit before closing and she went to a zero on her credit, she had not used credit in years, and it just happened that it all fell off during the time of her buying a home, so now we are regrouping to build her a credit score praying the builder will work with us.......it is always something in this line of work and you get so involved with your buyers/sellers, all I can say at this point on ones like these is pray, God will need to do something:) we have done all we can, now if it is meant to be it will be and if not we will move on.  But it still is upsetting for the buyers and sellers:( I think both of these will work out in time:) I have a few short sells which are always a headache, but so far they are going smooth!  We should end the year good this year, I have been able to focus on work and it shows:))
This Wednesday our Church will have its 2nd Harvest Fest, we had a good turn out last year and looking forward to doing it again this year, I am helping with food and Steve is doing the bag toss:)) We both enjoyed it last year! Bet we will be tired come Thursday because we are booked to the hilt till then:) Hoping to close two loans the end of the week, and need to sell some more homes and get more listings so pray for me:)  All the family is doing good, Sean and Sarah are working on their marriage and doing good:) April is still at her job and doing ok, Hannah is still like a pig in slop, with her country living:) I like it too:) Max shot his first deer yesterday!  Alicia, Alex, Jared and all their families are good, I have so much to be thankful for and I am reminded of that all the time!  Nov. 15th Gavin who you have heard me talk about will have eye surgery, they will save or take his eye ball, I am praying it can be saved!  Well best go get my tail to bed so I can get up and get busy with the day of Real Estate that is planned....hugs and nite

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Life goes on

Some how life does go on after a death, you just keep putting one foot before the other, and hang on to the fun memories, try not to dwell on the bad ones, it is not easy not having a earthly mother but she actually was not able to be a mother for several years to me, I actually felt like her mother most of the time in the last year. So I have missed my mother for a long long time, but I still had her body and glimmers of her ever so often:)   I miss that.  So how do you go on from here?  I only know to cope the way I cope, which is take one day at a time and trust the Lord to give me grace and strength to walk each step He has placed before me.  Grief is a funny thing, you can be just fine then break down in tears, barley able to get your breath.  Then it goes away........so weird!
I have taken this weekend to just process and write, I am writing a book on my journey with Alzheimer's, hoping it can help someone else:) I remember how lost I felt when I started this journey of trying to understand what Alzheimer's is, how and what and when will it start making changes in someone, can I have it? How do you die from it?  Why can't mother's friends and Walt realize the diagnoses and make plans???? Walt and her friends said she did not have it, told her not to take meds, turns out she did have it.  The first few years it was just forgetting appointments, daily routines, then forgetting how to cook or what spaghetti is, did not pay bills, or over paid bills, then driving and getting lost, asking a strange man to help her get home, then Walt past away and it threw mother into a major lossness in her mind, a place she could not pull out of, we did all the meds, not sure they helped or maybe they did but Alzheimer's took her pretty fast.  My sister said someone told her she was lucky that her mother did not stay in a nursing home for several years, I am so thankful she did not, I might of gone to jail, it was all I could do to stay civil when addressing her care, I would just cry leaving her there, I wanted to bring her back home so bad, but knew I was not physically or mentally able to give her the best care, the last week of her life we lived in her room, put a cot in there, Kay and I totally adored her, one thing I know for sure is our mother never wanted for anything, she was loved on, massaged down with good smelling lotions, her hair fixed daily, her nails and toe nails done, she never wanted for anything and she was happy.  I have no regrets in how I cared for her, I do have what ifs, which wish I didn't.  I just think God had mercy on her and took her home instead of leaving her here because the last week of her life was hard on her, especially in the fact she could not comprehend what was happening to her, yes, the diagnosis was correct, she had Alzheimer's and died from Alzheimer's, I understand now when someone says I just wish I could kiss her  one more time or hold and hug her one more time..............................someday we can love on the loved ones who have gone before us, that is my hope.  Before mother died, she smiled the biggest smile and was looking at the ceiling as if she was seeing someone, biggest smile I have ever seen and her face brighten up, not sure who she saw but who ever it was she was so happy to see them, her face had a look of amazement, I will never forget that, she was ready, I wish we had been:(  I do not think you can ever be ready for death of a loved one, you can try, and mentally prepare but what you can not prepare for is missing them, grieving, that is a process that does not start till after death. Yes I grieved the process of losing my mother daily but I still had her body to love on, take care of her, be with her, now I have memories to hang on to, I am making it day by day............knowing that she is free to be who she is, with the ones she loves, waiting on the others to join someday, until then I am going to be just fine, God is God in me and He is the refuge I run to, He is my strong tower and He is enough!  Life does go on................its a new chapter, finding me as a wife , mother, nana, friend and Realtor............I do love my life and love my family and friends, and ever so thankful for your prayers and friendship............if your struggling with grief I pray you find a place of refuge, let your self feel, journal, do what ever you need to do to express your feelings, grieve, have your cry, then get up put one foot in front of the other and become who you are without that person physically in your life anymore, you will always have them in your heart, no one can ever take that from you or from them!  hugs and thanks for listening:)  I truly believe happiness is a choice you make each day, you can choose to not let go and stay in the moment or you can choose to trust God and move on with your life, never feel guilty about going on, your just taking your love one with you in the next chapter of your life, they will always be there! 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Good Mourning

The last two days have been hard for me but I am embracing the mourning of my mother's death.  I have been reading out of her bible for awhile now, I found my self smelling it yesterday morning, in which actually smells like her old home which was nicotine filled, but it made me feel close to her and Walt.  I have her perfume here still and smell it, it smells just like her, she wore one fragrance all the time.  I have received so many cards and I read them and reread them, one really stood out, it stated, I am sure you will miss her, the very one that rocked you in the beginning needed you most in the end.....you were there with your tender heart and steadfast loyalty, doing the right thing exactly the way she would have hoped, exactly the way she taught you to do, what a beautiful tribute to your mother.............another one is,   Her voice, Her Style, Her laugh, Her Smile, Her Words, Her Grace, Her eyes, Her Face, Her Love, Her Life and everything that made your mom so special to you will live through your memories..........these are so true, I have so many memories,  early one morning Steve and I were in bed, we heard mother, BUT she was coming down the hall from the living room, Steve said uh oh she came from the other way, I said hummmmmmm......bet she has rearranged some things:) I slept with mother most of the time, every night we had a routine, she would go to bath room, and I would try to get her teeth brushed, I would say mother lets brush your teeth, she would say I already have, so I would get the tooth brush ready, she would take it and usually try to do her hair, I would say here lets put it in your mouth, she would say I already did that, so I would brush my teeth, letting her watch, then she may or may not brush her teeth, she had upper dentures, I would say mother your top teeth come out, she would say they didn't, then I would say try to get them out, she would say, damn it they don't come out! Take yours out and she would touch mine to get them out, she said see I told you they did not come out:) We would laugh, Then a few minutes later I would say, mother can you get those top teeth out, she would put her hand to them and take them out and we would brush them:) Some nights they just did not get brushed, then we would go to her room and get in the bed, mother forgot how to get in the bed, if she put her knee on it first it would turn into her not knowing what to do and we would just laugh and laugh at getting in the bed, we usually sit on it, took off slippers, she would put them on her night stand then lay down and I would get her legs situated, she would always say, you gonna spend the night with me? I would lay beside her and we would talk, I would tell her good night and kiss her tell her I love her and she would say I love you too, sometimes she would say Linda:)  One night out of the blue she said I love you Linda goodnight:)

I am so so thankful I moved her in with me, there were times I did not think I could do it, would pray God please help me be patient with mother and understanding, these were usually middle of the night deals when she could not sleep or have diarrhea, believe it or not I quit gagging at all that, I just did what had to be done to care for mother. 

 Good thing she is small:)
 her favorite PJ's:) her hair was a mess, a week before her passing

 Brushing her teeth:) this was that look, Linda my  teeth do not come out!
In saying all this, it was not all me in caring for mother, I had caregivers, Kay did all she could do to help with mother, mother was so loved, she went 25 years with fresh flowers every week, something Walt started, and it continued after his death.  There is  no doubt mother got the very best care we could give her, when I thought the nursing home was not doing their best, I discussed it with them, Kay said after my last meeting that they were treating mother like she was the Presidents wife, in which they should be, still not all to my liking but all in all mother loved them too, I want to go back and visit some of her friends there when I can.  I want to go to the cemetery when the headstone is engraved and make sure it is all correct, but most of all I am letting my self grieve the way I grieve and enjoying my memories of my precious mother,  Someone at the funeral ask me where were pictures of daddy on the DVD, to be honest I did not even think of that part of mother's life, I wish I had, but I do not have many pictures of daddy with mother, not sure where they are at, I have some hard memories with my daddy but a lot of fun ones too, seems odd that I did not remember to find something of him in her life, but there was only two of Walt, it was about mother on the dvd.  I am thankful for a cold rainy day to have time just to sit and reflect on her life and her funeral, I loved the service, I loved seeing mother in private in her favorite PJ's and I loved the casket, Going Home Series, she is home, no more wanting to go home each day............I love my mother!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The new normal

To say this has been very difficult is a under statement, I have had my running shoes on to the point I felt faint at times, I was blessed with my out of State family here for mother's funeral, they left Tuesday and I went to work, it was very hard to keep my chin up, had some crying times but all in all stayed focus on work and getting loans closed.  People totally depend on you to be there as their Realtor, if your not nothing flows as smooth, with me being off for four days, came back in full swing to get things closed, remember I told you how busy I was, my dear friend who took my calls for a few days did a excellent job but this is a business that people want you, you are who they hired, even thought with m  mind so scattered they would be better off with the agent taking my calls:)

I loved mother's service, it was just so sweet, Jill and her mother and sister sang Beulah Land, one of mother's favorites, they harmonized so well, then Denney Calhoun her caregiver;s husband sang the little brown church in the wild woods, one mother sang to us when we went to the church last year, she remembered it all:) 
I could not believe all the people there, I thought maybe 50-60 and it was over a 100 people! What a blessing to have so many friends and family share in the Celebration of her life.
I find my self thinking of her all the time, thinking I need to do something then realize I do not, in the fact she is no longer in her pain of the last days of her life I am relieved. I used to wonder how you die from Alzheimer's, most get a infection, or fall, but mother actually past from Alzheimer's. So thankful she can talk now, walk now, eat now............just  full of life again!! You forget how to do those things, even swallow:(
Work is still busy, I am so afraid of making mistakes from still being so tired, I wish I could take some time off and will, once I get these loans closed, a few days at the condo will be wonderful! I sleep so good there.  My house is back clean and quiet again, tomorrow I do not have and appointment till 1:00pm so I can just be home and enjoy my home:)  Well all in all I think Steve and I are doing pretty good, we cry and are thankful at the same time for our sweet mother:) It will be different, I turn my phone off at night now, use to I never turned it off and people would call all hours thinking they could just leave a voice mail, I actually went to Rose Bud to get my vitamins today, was afraid to go that far off these past few weeks, so I am getting some freedom back in my life that I enjoy. Steve can have my full attention now and I can have my Grand Babies over more, I am looking froward to that too:) So yes it is a new normal, for the past four years I have been a caregiver to mother and Walt when he was living, then the past two and half gave my all to mother, now I am going to find time for me and Steve:)  hugs to all and thank you for your prayers:)

Monday, October 1, 2012

The last leg of the Journey

If you know me you already know Mother past away Friday Sept. 28th at 6:30 am, with Kay and I and Steve by her side, the week was a hard one, emotionally, physically, mentally, but in the end it was total peace, as mother took her last breaths, I sang her into Heaven, the song sweep over my soul, sweep over my soul, sweet Jesus sweep over my soul, my rest is complete while I sit at your feet, Sweet Jesus sweep over my soul..............Mother's actual death was so sweet..........I am so thankful God let me be apart of escorting her into His arms of love.   I will always treasure it.

I have been so blessed with meals, family, friends, have not wanted for a thing, all my family and my sister's family were here today for lunch and we went went for a private viewing of mother, I had gone yesterday with mother's friend and hair dresser Sherry Elmer, she did mother's hair and I did her make up, this was so healing for me, I have not been around dead people to much, but it was different, I just loved on her and we fixed her hair, in which she needed, did her make up, mother never wore much and I wanted her to look like her, her lips were a little different, but she looked beautiful. I wondered how I did that, it was so natural, I had become a parent to my mother, I cleaned her face, fixed her hair almost everyday, brushed her teeth, so it was so normal for me to get her pretty for the day,I think it must be this way when someone has a child pass away, it is normal to nurture them.  It was healing for me.

Tomorrow will be Mother's day of Celebration of her life, I will miss her so much, I will have to find a new normal for me, because she has been the number one priority in my life, above all else for the past 2.5 years, before that really because Walt was sick and for sure mother was so unhealthy, I have been blessed to have her for so long. I felt I was mother's voice for her in her care, I can honestly say I have no regrets, she got my best, Steve and everyone else got my left overs, I am looking forward to finding my new normal......................hugs