A mother's heart

Yesterday was a hard day for me, some things I said and my son said were very hurtful for us both. I am the type person who wants any conflict resolved but it is so hurtful I can not resolve it with him because I am not sure we can even talk to each other. This breaks my heart and I know it breaks his heart. I can do nothing but really pray and trust the Lord with it all. I was just wondering if a mother's heart ever can get to the place that she would not be so hurt when her children are upset or hurting? I wish I could step outside my body and just not hurt, and not have to work through things, but as you know I can not do that. To me its not a matter of me being right or him being right its a matter that we have to respect and trust each other to make the right decisions in our own life. I just have so many emotions form anger to hurt to feeling like I just want to quit to want to grab up all my children and hold them.....Lord help me, I need you to heal me and my hurt feelings and my son's. You know when raising our children we make many mistakes, we wish we could changed things we have done and wish we would of done things we did not do but you do what you need to do to survive and keep a roof over their head and food in the pantry. Having six children was not easy, Steve worked night and day to provide for them and me to the point today he is disabled. I watched my sister work herself to death to provide for her children, so they have college educations to provide for them self today, we did the same, and would do it all over again. I know my children have wounds form me being their mother, as I have wounds from my childhood. God has worked me through so many areas of my childhood that was so very painful, most people do not survive what Kay and I went through and be normal, if you can say were normal:) but God has been faithful to heal me and Kay and I trust He will heal my children from the mistakes I made in their childhood. I love having a big family but sometimes it can still be over whelming to me, there is no way to be at all the grand babies deals, dance, swim, ball, recitals, etc. but Steve and I try. I am just not sure what life is doing with me right now, when I think ok, I am going to make it, something happens as did yesterday to totally knock the breath out of me, I come out fighting, I then just go in a shell and try to protect my self from any more pain.....this is not a good thing, just the way I survive...till I can breath again. We have a saying at work, we may fuss behind closed doors but when we cross the street we hold hands, I feel my family is this way. With a large family not everyone will get along, I have very opionated children and Steve and I are:) so we confront everything and want to say our peace of mind, and we all think we are right in what we are saying....of course when its all said and done we realize we can be wrong and sometimes we are right.....then we humble our selves and ask forgiveness of each other....and life goes on.....but why does it have to be this way??? I just get sick of life's problems, but in a position I have to face them and will in God's grace. I was not going to blog but felt I really needed to blog it is where I find peace, I am a honest person and do not have many secrets so I was not sure why I felt I could not share my heart on this blog this morning but I did, so please pray for me and my family, with the death of Walt and the care for mother, me being POA which is something I will never put my children though, it is very hard. My ADD is awful, I have major real estate deals going now and I do not need to have to struggle so hard to think clear, I went to Dr. Sanderson today, just wanted a check up on my blood to make sure I have all the iron and things I need in my body, I have lost 11 pds in two weeks which is losing to fast but eating is hard for me and I NEVER thought I would say that, my low back is killing me from doing all I have at mother's and my own flower bed, so I did it to my self but it still is a nagging pain 24/7, not wanting your pity, I am not feeling sorry for my self, I think I am in a place of healing and persuverance and God will be faithful to me in this place....just hurting right now and I would like to have it more together, a friend called this am and I started crying on the phone, she called about real estate nothing personal, so I really need to be more together to get my deals closed, I have four closings in the next two days and I need to be at my best, so pray for me....takes and hugs