Friday, November 30, 2012

Last three Years

This is what is important, my goal this year and daily is to be at peace with all men, make right anything I have done wrong and walk in repentance. Think on what is of mother's favorite scriptures, give no room for the negative thought in your mind and when they come, immediately rebuke them and think on the good, see the good in mankind, know they are just like you, a sinner saved by grace needing Grace just as you do each day....remember to smile and be courteous to everyone this Christmas Season, then you will be at peace inside your self:)

me, Marylee, Tea party brunch for Marylee:)

My sister and I have had some heart to heart talks of the past three years, there were times in this past year that we could not talk without becoming hurtful to each other, we took time away form each other/talking, yes it was hard but when your going through what we have, you know your losing your mother, you will say things, do things, act ways that you really do not mean, yesterday when she told me she felt I thought she did not help me enough, I said I have not a doubt that had Kay been physically able to care for mother, no doubt mother would of been in her home and she would of been the POA, I also shared yes, I did have bitter feelings, I would be so tired and can remember one night waking Steve up saying, I can not do this anymore, He got up and cared for mother, I always did her personal care things, but that night he had to. I felt so guilty for feeling like that, but sometimes it was long days and nights, with Alzheimer people are every sensitive to emotions, and believe me they know when your frustrated, so you really have to be like a duck, swim smooth and pretty and paddle away under water, they can not deal with it, then can become very confused and agitated, then you really got a problem:) At the same time I knew Kay was going through so much with Colin being so sick, and Kay had her medical problems, so in my heart I knew she was doing all she could, in my head I felt like I did not have a choice, I had no one else to care for mother but me and Steve, it changed my whole life, work, family time, I never had my home to my self, I could not just come home tired and sit in a chair and chill, it took its toil on me, BUT I would not change one minute of it, now I look back and cherish it all even the hard times, Kay can cherish the nights she spent with mother and days, Kay did all she could to do to help. I did all I could do, I reminded Kay when mother was about to cry looking at us from her hospital bed, I said, mother what is wrong? she looked at us and said I feel so loved......that is what we focus on, not did I do enough, we both did all we could with mother's best interest at heart. I was told by a Elder Attorney friend that when a family is put in the situation ours was put in that you will revert back to how you got along growing up, I do believe that is true, Kay and I did not get along growing up, I felt totally controlled and was, she felt she had to protect me and was made by daddy to help me. I was back wards in some areas, Kay and I both grew up in a abusive relationship with daddy, and it created behaviors in me that were not positive. Kay was always the smart one, the out going one, the cheerleader/high stepper, I was more withdrawn and had animals for friends, did not care much about style, Kay picked out all my clothes, took me to the dressmaker, made me wear Wegen's shoes and peter pan collar dresses with my initials engraved on them, this was because she loved fashion and style, when she got her things daddy would make her get me the same things, even on my wedding day, I never picked out a thing, it was all done by Kay, in which I loved, I never had to make decisions, only problem this stunted me socially and mentally, I was in remedial classes in school and barley got by, always thought I was dumb. Would make book covers for my books so other's would not know my books were different. We had a family secret, that Kay and I never shared with each other until we were grown, we came to terms with that about ten years ago, Kay had always thought she had protected me, and I thought I was the only one to endure it, but we both endured it. We both overcame it and grew close as sister's, so when I say I have missed my sister last year, I did, God healed a lot of things in me this past year and in her. I believe our sister ship is more healthy now, I was raised in such co dependency with my sister, it took me years to find me. I am thankful to the Lord that Kay and I can walk in healing this side of Heaven, be sister's and be mentally healthy in our expectations of each other. Every year since Kay and I have been little girls we have had our families do Holiday's together, use to be my mother did it all then my brother and his wife who did them all after mother married Walt, then me when Jimmy's kids married and had their extended family, last year we were both in so much pain, from our words with each other, I felt I just wanted my own children with me on Thanksgiving and Christmas, Kay or I neither one was safe with each other, so we each had our own individual family Holiday, we shared mother those days, yes, it broke my heart and I so missed them all, so did my children, it made me sad, I would of NEVER thought this could happen to my family but it had, mean words, accusations, miss trust, love, pain, hurts all wrapped up in one. At that time I felt I had it all on my own, Kay physically could not help and my main care giver had cancer, the Lord did give me strength, I was in a real depression, I resented that I could not have grand babies over, that I missed so much sleep, you feel so guilty to feel that way, just depresses you more. When mother went into UAMS it was a time I was thankful for help but almost could not take it, leaving her there was like when I left Sean at the boys ranch, I was not able to be the mother he needed, felt like such a failure, with mother felt he same way, I was barley coping, so depressed. Mother never came back home, I would second guess my self that day she went, could I have done something different, is that what made her die so soon, breaks my heart. Then in my mind I know that GOD is in control, I do know I was at my limit but not willing to give up and fail as a daughter. Truth is, just as when I could not provide what my son needed, I could not provide what mother needed, this is not a failure but being able to see I DID NOT HAVE IN ME WHAT THEY NEEDED. Sean had to change with in him self, and did, turned out that decision turned his life around at 14 years old, as for mother, she was much sicker then I thought, I could not provide a safe place for her anymore. When it comes to material things or money people change, I did not think I was sentimental to anything of mother's, but as I put her ornaments on the tree, I had never looked at them, I clung to each one, sniffed it, and thought through what each one meant, I am not sure I can never part with them, they are her in me now, I can understand my sister better when she would be so passionate and sensitive to Mother's belongings, I was just functioning in a role I was place in and disassociated my emotions from it, ( not healthy by the way) I have no doubt I made some hasty decisions in the process, I can understand why Kay felt I was cold and snappy, I did the best I could, Kay did the best she could, now my brother Jimmy, he was not involved much, I know he regretted it in the end, he loved mother, but never had a close relationship with her, she was his step mother and he grew up living with my aunts more, in saying all this it is to let you all know, we have survived, Kay and I are steadily working on our sister ship, forgiving each other, understanding each other, we will not have Holiday's together, which is sad, but her children have married into big families and it was time, heck we would have to rent a place for us all to be together now:) I will miss them and I am sure they will us, as I told Kay we can still do sister Christmas:) Its not like we do not see each other's families though the year. SO in sharing all this, it is to say there is life after having a family member with Alzheimer's but I can tell you now, it takes the Lord to get you thorough it, it takes the Lord to give you fresh mercy and grace each day, after their gone, guess what it takes the Lord to get you though it, it takes the Lord to give you fresh mercy and grace each day. I love my sister, bother and their children, nothing can ever take that away, yes we have had our differences, but we are family and if they have a need I am there for them. My sister is sick with heart issues, her heart would not beat without her pace maker, I dread the day my sister goes to Heaven, none of us know when our day is, could be today tomorrow or years from now, but I am choosing to live as if it were today, I do not want to live with regrets or guilt. If you are my family and read this, KNOW I LOVE YOU! I write my blog for me, not for you, its about me not you, but because my sister felt it sounded like she did not do much for mother I wanted to clear it all up on anything I have said. It took Kay and I both and Jimmy, each did what they felt they could, it took the grand children each did what they could, it took the great grand children each did what they could I have no hard feelings or bitterness, I am very grateful for all the things God has shown me these past three years. If your in the role of a caregiver, prayers for you, live for today, take care of your self, take breaks, get aways from the stress of being a caregiver so you can refuel, it is the hardest role in my life I have ever had and I have raised six children, you do get lost in it and you can not find who you are anymore, but remember that does pass and you will find you again, your stronger, different, a little lost, but finding your way in life again.......much love to all!

My reading today:

“By the Grace of God I Am What I Am”
“By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain …” (1 Corinthians 15:10).
The way we continually talk about our own inabilities is an insult to our Creator. To complain over our incompetence is to accuse God falsely of having overlooked us. Get into the habit of examining from God’s perspective those things that sound so humble to men. You will be amazed at how unbelievably inappropriate and disrespectful they are to Him. We say things such as, “Oh, I shouldn’t claim to be sanctified; I’m not a saint.” But to say that before God means, “No, Lord, it is impossible for You to save and sanctify me; there are opportunities I have not had and so many imperfections in my brain and body; no, Lord, it isn’t possible.” That may sound wonderfully humble to others, but before God it is an attitude of defiance.
Conversely, the things that sound humble before God may sound exactly the opposite to people. To say, “Thank God, I know I am saved and sanctified,” is in God’s eyes the purest expression of humility. It means you have so completely surrendered yourself to God that you know He is true. Never worry about whether what you say sounds humble before others or not. But always be humble before God, and allow Him to be your all in all.
There is only one relationship that really matters, and that is your personal relationship to your Personal Redeemer and Lord. If you maintain that at all costs, letting everything else go, God will fulfill His purpose through your life. One individual life may be of priceless value to God’s purposes, and yours may be that life.


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