Where do you go from here?

This blog will be mostly about mother and our Journey with Alzheimer's.....Monday Steve and I took mother to see her Dr. for routine follow up, she was fine, her lungs sounded better then he had heard them in the past three months, her cretin (SP) level was still raised and her kidney function was moderate, so we go back in a month.  Tues. I had caregiver and went to work, came home about 1:30 took mother to get her hair done, then that afternoon mother was restless and did not want to do anything you ask her, such as eating, potting, brushing her teeth, etc.  She would for Steve, but not for me, was having some paranoia, then Wed. she got us normal in good mood, always confused in the am and paranoid, thinking people are in the house, we had a normal morning to me, then she started getting agitated, nothing really calmed her, then had some hallucinations of a man in the house with a knife, was angry with me, and clung to Steve, would not sit still, very agitated, I tried to give her her meds, but she would not take them from me or Steve, she then got real upset with me for me not telling her I was her daughter, was going to slap me and kick Steve, of course we got out of the way, Kay came over, but mother would not have anything to do with her, you could not calm her or comfort her, at this point we were strangers to her and she felt we were doing her wrong, I called her her Dr. he did a direct admit to UAMS Pysch., this was so hard for me to do, I knew from working at Living Hope that we would not be able to stay with her, I knew she would not get all the one on one attention she does at home, I knew she would be scared, but I had to do it for her safety to see what was wrong, this was so out of character for her. I tried my best to hold it together in front of her, it just caused more confusion if Kay or I was upset, the unit is a geriatric unit and not many patients, it was quiet and clean, nurses were real sweet and caring, we left mother there............I cannot tell you the anguish I felt when I left, it felt like putting a gold fish in the ocean, it felt like when I left my son at the ranch to live when he was 14, it felt like I failed, I did not have what it takes to care for mother and I was abandoning her....I have cried and cried, I know when I left my son, I was  not a bad mother but really did not have what he needed at the time, I can see now where that was a good thing for him or he would of been in prison now, even though I did not agree with all that happened and was literally throwing up sick when we left him and cried for months, worried sick over him....with mother I have to come to the place that I can not do it it, that I can only do the best I can, she may be past the point I have what it takes to care for her, I do not like all I have seen in the hospital, such as her having on wet depends (soaked) she never wore them during the day we always got her to the bathroom, she was still in PJ's and they had food stain on them, her bed had not been made, her hair was not combed , nothing like what she is use too.......is this the way her life will be if she has to go to a nursing home? If so then I have some changing to do in me, because I cannot bare that today. I did fix her hair and know I can do that in a nursing home, but physically can I do it every day? Its not a problem doing it, its a problem leaving her there.   Mother has always been so prim and proper, she loves her hair looking good, her nails done, which I just did:) for sure not sitting in urine all day......I pray she will pull out of this and be able to come home to be cared for a while longer, I know some day she will go to nursing home, I will not be able to care for her as well as them, but I am thinking that is when she is bed ridden in the very last stages, will it be? or will it be sooner?  I just do not know the answers yet.  They did find out mother has one lung partly collapsed lung, from her COPD, this is probably why she thought we were hurting her, it must of happened wed. also make her want to fight us, if she thought we were hurting her, they say it is painful to have a collapsed lung, but mother cannot tell you if she is in pain, like a baby can not tell you, her cognitive skills are too impaired at this point. So I knew I had made the right decision on the hospital:)

Now on me, I have cried so much and let my self have time to cry and grieve, which I have not done since Walt past away, I am still tearful but not a basket case:)  I cope best by getting alone and just letting God deal with me, He is my best friend and I love his comfort, He can help me like no one else can, even Steve, I love Steve and he is for sure a comfort but I bare my soul to the Lord, cry, scream, cuss, praise, love and surrender.  I am thankful God knows me inside and out and loves me and comforts me.  I had told my children I needed alone time, my sweet Alicia knows how to get her self in no matter what, she brought me zuppa toscanna soup Wed.night which was much appreciated:) my comfort food:) but was gracious to hug me and leave......I know this will all work out, for me and for mother, I just am finding God's grace for today and strength for tomorrow,  that is something I have to do alone. 
Now on work, it is so busy right now, on wed. I just had to stop working and get mother cared for, I pray my sellers understand this and know their being covered by other agents, I could not do it all, Steve has carried this load too, I honestly do not know what I would do without him, he is such a rock for me, a pillar for mother, he loves her as much as I do, his mother past away in 1973. I am hoping for a good work week and that I can take this respite from care of mother and let someone care for her, even if its not the way I do it, it is still good care.....it is so hard to let go.....I do have a busy work week with listings and closings, so that will help keep me focused and going:) But for today I am off work and having a Linda Lou Averitt and Lord day. So if I do not answer my phone, know I am ok, just needing this time to regain strength. Steve is handling all the Real Estate today:) The hospital is taking care of mother, so I am taking care of me, may get me a massage, that always helps too, since my neck is killing me and I have a tension headache from all the stress........Thank you for listening to me, I blog for me it helps me.  hugs make it a good day!

A week later:(

Where has this week even gone????? I can not even remember all the week, I do remember Hannah and her family came down Wed., we all went swimming at Alicia and Bob's,( have pics in my phone but my phone will not send them to me;(( got to go to Verizon:(( grrrrrr! ) I cooked and cooked, we ate and ate, I love all the Grand babies getting to play with each other and love on their cousin's, it means a lot to me:)  then all went to Sean's and spent the night, slept with Olivia and Anna:) Then Thursday just visited, they left at noon, Hannah had a ball game that night in Van Buren. Then Friday night Steve and I went to see men in black, we enjoyed that movie, ate popcorn and drank coke:) Today we had made plans to clean and do repairs on a Girls' home who is in our church, so a group of us meet there and worked till about 1:30, we got it all done, boy was I tired, came back to Alicia's where we are spending the night and cleaned up and went to bridal shower fro a friend of mine grand daughter. I am just chillin in my PJ'S for the rest of the afternoon, unless I get a Real Estate call of course:) I want to get int he pool but actually to tired to clean up again:(( I went and got Mr. Steve his Father's day gift, some new golf shorts and shirt:) He loved them. He is the best daddy I know, he loves his children, and has been a great example for them in leading them in Godly ways, but being real with his failures and success......he is close to all his babies:)

I have pics but dropped my camera today and the Lin's will not open and close right:)) ugh!

Mother has had a ok week, she is having some paranoia and a little hard to please in the afternoons, we see the Dr. on Monday so we will talk about this.  I have a new care giver starting, I really like her and think she will be great with mother.  Mother is sleeping better, and I am doing better to, I have come to realize I can not watch her all the time, nor be all she needs, I have even turned off my baby monitor at night so I can sleep, I can hear her if she gets up but not every time she moves in  her bed. So I am getting better rest at night:)

This week I have several new listings to get, a loan closing, and I closed on last Friday that was a blessing, the couple was losing their home and we did a deal with the mortgage company and the seller actually got a $1000 dollars at closing, most short sells the seller can not have any money at closing, but it is better then a foreclosure:)  I got a offer today on my listing in Pleasant Valley, trying to work it out:) The market is busy, and interest rates are so so so low, in 2's and 3's%! UNREAL! When I first got in Real Estate it was 15-20%!  Looking forward to a good week, going have some out of town plans for the end of the week with Steve's sister Pat and Donald. I love having some play time to look forward too!! Makes me work harder to get it all done! Hugs and love!

Blessed

Well God was faithful to get me through this week, with some listings, sales and closing. I had no ideal how I was going to even be able to work,  for sure no ideal how I would handle taking care of mother with out help this week, but when I had calls to go to show property, the Lord gave me help, Kay came over twice this week and cared for mother, then Connie was able to work yesterday and today and tonight, so I am so excited to go to sleep tonight with out a baby monitor or hearing Steve snore, I am sleeping by my self in bed alone, with all lights out, hope I sleep all night long till late morning!! when I have interrupted sleep I have headaches ,my neck is in spasms, so this week I had a massage yesterday and feel asleep in it, totally relaxed, it helped, I have Fybro which has been in remission for almost three years, but with the stress of  interrupted sleep and not as much rest it is acting up, nothing like is was, but today was one of those days, I got up early, got the house in order to leave for the weekend, went to store to get what I forgot yesterday:)  then went to work, wrote a offer and presented it, then met up with Steve, we left to go to condo, before we left we ate at Olive Garden, the potato soup got rid of my headache and neck ache, not sure how or why but it works every time:) It may be all in my head, mother always made potato soup when we were sick, what ever it is it worked! I am so excited to have a couple days to rest, went to pool for hour and half.  Then went to my favorite place to eat, Jessen's, I had crab legs and they were gulf fresh! 

Last week on undercover boss on TV, I saw a health care agency Brightstar, I was very impressed with them, they came out this week and I interviewed them, depending on Connie's health, I will start using them, I also interviewed a lady named Rhonda, she is a wonderful, sweet, CNA, in her early 50's, she will work tomorrow night with mother, she can come to work in July, so I am trying to make it till then:) Connie has cancer in her lymph node, but only one, she will need another surgery and not sure what else to after she goes to Dr. on Monday. Keep her in your prayers.

Work is so busy, rates are in the 3% range, so low, even in 2% on 15 years! I am so thankful for a good June, God has blessed my business and has given me strength this week, I have enjoyed mother all week, but needed some me time, which I am getting:))) May even do pedicure and mani cure tomorrow, depends on if the place here in FFB has a opening:) for sure going to the lake, Steve and I are going to ride on wave runner, since we sold ours a couple of years ago, we will rent one at Lacy's, it will be a three seater, so hope we do not fall off!  Looking forward to a lake day with my sweetie! Then will end up at the pool:)  Sunday we will be at Journey Church, then I hope a nap, but I may have calls to work so we will see:))  Hope you have a great weekend too!!!!!!!!!! Hugs and nite

Our Will

Read this today, wanted to share it:)

“Work Out” What God “Works in” You

“… work out your own salvation … for it is God who works in you …” (Philippians 2:12–13).

Your will agrees with God, but in your flesh there is a nature that renders you powerless to do what you know you ought to do. When the Lord initially comes in contact with our conscience, the first thing our conscience does is awaken our will, and our will always agrees with God. Yet you say, “But I don’t know if my will is in agreement with God.” Look to Jesus and you will find that your will and your conscience are in agreement with Him every time. What causes you to say “I will not obey” is something less deep and penetrating than your will. It is perversity or stubbornness, and they are never in agreement with God. The most profound thing in a person is his will, not sin.

The will is the essential element in God’s creation of human beings—sin is a perverse nature which entered into people. In someone who has been born again, the source of the will is Almighty God. “… for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” With focused attention and great care, you have to “work out” what God “works in” you—not work to accomplish or earn “your own salvation,” but work it out so you will exhibit the evidence of a life based with determined, unshakable faith on the complete and perfect redemption of the Lord. As you do this, you do not bring an opposing will up against God’s will—God’s will is your will. Your natural choices will be in accordance with God’s will, and living this life will be as natural as breathing. Stubbornness is an unintelligent barrier, refusing enlightenment and blocking its flow. The only thing to do with this barrier of stubbornness is to blow it up with “dynamite,” and the “dynamite” is obedience to the Holy Spirit.

Do I believe that Almighty God is the Source of my will? God not only expects me to do His will, but He is in me to do it.

It's JUNE!!!! Time flys

Since last Monday, we have been nothing but flat put busy!  Took mother to the Dr. on Tues., they did all kinds of blood work, EKG, urine analysis, all was good, her heart is fine, it does beat a little off, but not a problem,  she does have Mitro Valve Prolapse which we knew. She is feeling normal, now took her a bit to get her leg strength back.  Dancing helps:)    Tomorrow Connie our main caregiver is having breast surgery, its out pt. to remove a cancerous tumor, they think they can get it all.  Connie thinks she can work by Wed., so we will see, if it is more then she thinks, I will need to find caregivers. I have juggled it  about all I can and still work.  Kay is coming tomorrow, then I have my regular caregiver Carolyn on Monday night so she will be here for me on Tuesday morning for me to be up early for work, Monday and Tuesday, esp. Tuesday are my full and hardest days, you have to fit your personal  business, plus have the meeting with the company:)in the day.  I always take a deep breath of relief when it is Wed., I do not have such a hard schedule to go by, usually I book my self back to back all day long on Monday and Tuesday.  Not sure why, just how it has always been, mainly all seller's want to hear from their Realtor on Monday to let them know things are going on their homes.  I try to do that on Friday, but usually have showings the weekend and need to do it again:) Steve went to a men's retreat this weekend, he went up to the condo on Thursday with Scott Lawson, then to the retreat, it was at a lake house in Higdon, it was a blessing of a time he said.  I stayed a with Sherry Maxwell, and had care givers, Thur. and Fri. night.  Thought I better get all the time off I could with this month being in limbo for help. 
Last week we sold a home on a cash deal to close tomorrow, the buyer called us at 9am this morning and said he could not buy the house, he was nervous about it, he has a home to sale, but wanted to pay cash for this home, got a steal of a deal, Steve said what do we do now? I said Pray, I knew this was the right house for them, then needed one level and they are in their 70's, it is around the corner from where they live in a large two story home, but they were afraid theirs would not sell.  In which it for sure will. I have jumped through hoops to get them closed in a week, the seller had another buyer interested in the home and took their offer due to being cash and closing so quick, I prayed, prayed and prayed some more, I told Steve I was not even calling the seller and telling them this, she is in her 80's and sick, I would pray and meet with the buyers on Monday,  the buyers had someone look at their home today who loved it and will probably make a offer, they called me and said they did want to close, and apologized for having cold feet....it was a blessing to watch God come through for them and us and the seller! This morning real clear the Lord told me when the enemy presses in hard do not fear, the battle belongs to the Lord, take courage my Friend your redemption is near, the battle belongs to the Lord, Give HIM Glory,honor, power and strength to the Lord!  I had some ideals to pull it out of the ditch but honestly knew it was a spiritual battle and knew it had to be won in prayer.
Pray for Connie to be ok, we love her and mother loves, loves, love her.....

This week Karen Beasley brought Gene and Luella over to see mother, it was a sight to see, we laughed so much, Gene is in his 90's Luella 88, mother 80, they have been friends for over 60 years. Mother just laughed and laughed with Luella.... Karen and I have been friends since we were babies.

Journey Church today was wonderful, I had the Journey Church Kids today, they are always fun and full of life,  Victoria told Jack he could not be rowdy, Cole looked at me and said, Nana I am coming to your house today, but my mama will not let me cause I am too rowdy....he liked that word:)
Then came home made us lunch, worked, then cooked for the week:) made chicken and dumplings, chicken spaghetti, squash, black eye peas, corn, tuna fish, chicken salad, broccoli salad. Wanted to do a cake but was too hot in my kitchen and too tired. I got a roast, potatoes, carrots for one night, so when I am running crazy trying to take care of mother and work, I will not have to cook!! Steve is a big help with both, work looks like a real busy June, I have several in closing and some great new listings that will sell! I have not planned a vacation yet in August but think I may need one, if I have caregivers:) My life is so different, everything centers around mother, not complaining about it, it is just a real adjustment for me and Steve.  I know moving her in was the right thing to do at this time in her life, but a friend told me never do that till you have too, I now understand that, my home is a fish bowl, with people in and out, sleeping in my bed, rearranging my things ( all the time ) Connie has her way of doing things totally different then mine:) But it is  better then me being away from home at mother's all the time, plus taking care of two households was hard, helps me as I write this to remember how hard that was:)  You just never think about being in this place in your life. BUT I am thankful I can have mother in my home, even if at times I do not think I can do it another minute, I just pray Lord please help me, I am reminded as I take care of her, I am doing it unto Him:) That helps at some of those real hard times. Today has been one of those day's of a lot of praying Lord Help me do this, you will never know till your there.
Keep me in your prayers, I ask for prayer today at church, I am depressed, but on anti depressant, just have not pulled out of it like I would like too, I am not a crier but find my self crying a lot, feeling left out, just feeling sorry for my self, which I can not stand!  So for this week I am fasting and praying  for my self:) Also going to see my Dr.  Keep Sean in your prayers, he has been sick, he looks too thin, I know his heart is broke over Sarah, he really is praying she comes home, so pray for him. April starts her new job this week, remember her too. 

Looking forward to a work filled week, I do love my job, looking forward to seeing what God is going to do this week in my life!  He is FAITHFUL! hugs and night  This is Hydrangea that a friend gave me when Walt past away, it has really grown into a beautiful plant:)

Happy Memorial Day!

Well its been too long, so much has happened it will be hard for me to catch you up! Work has been busy with Steve and I listing homes, then when you get listings, you get sales:) So we have been selling too! I have had some sad days missing my Cali dog, but it is getting easier, its a bitter sweet deal:( 
I am at a quandary on what to do for caregivers for mother, my main caregiver Connie has breast cancer and will have surgery next week, ( pray for her ) so that leaves me with one caregiver for 24 hours only. Mother had a fainting spell Sunday am, had to call 911, April was with her and did a perfect job in the midst of her scare, mother turned white and her lips were blue, she was in AFIB  EMT's said, we chose not to go to ER due to the fact all her vitals were good, hospitals are so hard with Alzheimer's.  Had home health come today, heart rhythm is still off, so we will see her Dr. tomorrow,  just watched her real close, with it being Memorial Day they were closed today. Mother has a DNR she did years ago, not that I think she is getting ready to  pass, but I do want to honor her wishes, and believe in them. But it made my knees weak to get that call from April Sunday.....will be glad to see what her Dr. says. She is feeling better tonight:)
Tomorrow is sales meeting day at work, I have a new agent recruit coming, then have work all morning, and show property in late afternoon, so hope to get mother into Dr in afternoon. Glad I have a sweetie pie Steve:)
Today I took some time to go swim with Alicia and Heather, Sherry came for awhile, it was hot but the water felt great!  Been a quiet but not uneventful weekend:)

Now ready for bed.............hope you had a good weekend!!  I missed all my babies, except Alicia, we usually do the lake deal with everyone:) Maybe the fourth of July we can:)  Been a lazy day, and for some reason I am wore out.............so nite!


One other thing April starts her new job at Baptist this next week, she is so excited, keep her in your prayers, she has school first:)

Disclipine

Have you ever wondered how God discipline's you?  On Thursday I was at a caregivers group and the speaker talked about this, he gave two examples of Discipline, one is where your have done wrong and the Lord corrects you in His loving but knowing way:) The other is where it is like helping you be disciplined,  if you have seen Facing the Giants, there is a football player who is crawling down the filed with another player on his back, the one crawling is blind folded, he thinks he may be able to  go two yards, the coach is by his side, saying go for it, you can do it, keep going, almost there,, the player is really in escalating exhaustion, the coach gets down on his knees with his mouth to the players ears, yelling do not give up, DO NOT GIVE UP! DO NOT GIVE UP! you can do this.........when the young man crosses the finish line, his blindfold is removed and he has past the field goal......this is how God is, if we were not blind folded in most things in our life we would give up, say we can not do it, but He only lets us know what we need to know for the moment, then when we falter, get scared, weary, he gets right beside us in our ear saying...GO! GO! GO! DO NOT GIVE UP! Then is His timing when we have done all, he opens our eyes and we can see the out come, then we began to understand Grace, Mercy, Strength comes form the Lord.......... He is our discipline!  Thankful He never leaves us or forsakes us, buts gets in our life with us and cheers us on!

If you have not seen Facing the Giants, you are missing a very motivating movie:)