Where do you go from here?

This blog will be mostly about mother and our Journey with Alzheimer's.....Monday Steve and I took mother to see her Dr. for routine follow up, she was fine, her lungs sounded better then he had heard them in the past three months, her cretin (SP) level was still raised and her kidney function was moderate, so we go back in a month.  Tues. I had caregiver and went to work, came home about 1:30 took mother to get her hair done, then that afternoon mother was restless and did not want to do anything you ask her, such as eating, potting, brushing her teeth, etc.  She would for Steve, but not for me, was having some paranoia, then Wed. she got us normal in good mood, always confused in the am and paranoid, thinking people are in the house, we had a normal morning to me, then she started getting agitated, nothing really calmed her, then had some hallucinations of a man in the house with a knife, was angry with me, and clung to Steve, would not sit still, very agitated, I tried to give her her meds, but she would not take them from me or Steve, she then got real upset with me for me not telling her I was her daughter, was going to slap me and kick Steve, of course we got out of the way, Kay came over, but mother would not have anything to do with her, you could not calm her or comfort her, at this point we were strangers to her and she felt we were doing her wrong, I called her her Dr. he did a direct admit to UAMS Pysch., this was so hard for me to do, I knew from working at Living Hope that we would not be able to stay with her, I knew she would not get all the one on one attention she does at home, I knew she would be scared, but I had to do it for her safety to see what was wrong, this was so out of character for her. I tried my best to hold it together in front of her, it just caused more confusion if Kay or I was upset, the unit is a geriatric unit and not many patients, it was quiet and clean, nurses were real sweet and caring, we left mother there............I cannot tell you the anguish I felt when I left, it felt like putting a gold fish in the ocean, it felt like when I left my son at the ranch to live when he was 14, it felt like I failed, I did not have what it takes to care for mother and I was abandoning her....I have cried and cried, I know when I left my son, I was  not a bad mother but really did not have what he needed at the time, I can see now where that was a good thing for him or he would of been in prison now, even though I did not agree with all that happened and was literally throwing up sick when we left him and cried for months, worried sick over him....with mother I have to come to the place that I can not do it it, that I can only do the best I can, she may be past the point I have what it takes to care for her, I do not like all I have seen in the hospital, such as her having on wet depends (soaked) she never wore them during the day we always got her to the bathroom, she was still in PJ's and they had food stain on them, her bed had not been made, her hair was not combed , nothing like what she is use too.......is this the way her life will be if she has to go to a nursing home? If so then I have some changing to do in me, because I cannot bare that today. I did fix her hair and know I can do that in a nursing home, but physically can I do it every day? Its not a problem doing it, its a problem leaving her there.   Mother has always been so prim and proper, she loves her hair looking good, her nails done, which I just did:) for sure not sitting in urine all day......I pray she will pull out of this and be able to come home to be cared for a while longer, I know some day she will go to nursing home, I will not be able to care for her as well as them, but I am thinking that is when she is bed ridden in the very last stages, will it be? or will it be sooner?  I just do not know the answers yet.  They did find out mother has one lung partly collapsed lung, from her COPD, this is probably why she thought we were hurting her, it must of happened wed. also make her want to fight us, if she thought we were hurting her, they say it is painful to have a collapsed lung, but mother cannot tell you if she is in pain, like a baby can not tell you, her cognitive skills are too impaired at this point. So I knew I had made the right decision on the hospital:)

Now on me, I have cried so much and let my self have time to cry and grieve, which I have not done since Walt past away, I am still tearful but not a basket case:)  I cope best by getting alone and just letting God deal with me, He is my best friend and I love his comfort, He can help me like no one else can, even Steve, I love Steve and he is for sure a comfort but I bare my soul to the Lord, cry, scream, cuss, praise, love and surrender.  I am thankful God knows me inside and out and loves me and comforts me.  I had told my children I needed alone time, my sweet Alicia knows how to get her self in no matter what, she brought me zuppa toscanna soup Wed.night which was much appreciated:) my comfort food:) but was gracious to hug me and leave......I know this will all work out, for me and for mother, I just am finding God's grace for today and strength for tomorrow,  that is something I have to do alone. 
Now on work, it is so busy right now, on wed. I just had to stop working and get mother cared for, I pray my sellers understand this and know their being covered by other agents, I could not do it all, Steve has carried this load too, I honestly do not know what I would do without him, he is such a rock for me, a pillar for mother, he loves her as much as I do, his mother past away in 1973. I am hoping for a good work week and that I can take this respite from care of mother and let someone care for her, even if its not the way I do it, it is still good care.....it is so hard to let go.....I do have a busy work week with listings and closings, so that will help keep me focused and going:) But for today I am off work and having a Linda Lou Averitt and Lord day. So if I do not answer my phone, know I am ok, just needing this time to regain strength. Steve is handling all the Real Estate today:) The hospital is taking care of mother, so I am taking care of me, may get me a massage, that always helps too, since my neck is killing me and I have a tension headache from all the stress........Thank you for listening to me, I blog for me it helps me.  hugs make it a good day!