Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Bitter Sweet, Excited yet Nervous

My life will be changing, I am excited about it but yet nervous somewhat in case I do not realize what I am doing.  Mother has been wanting to have Kay or I around her more, she said the other day when Connie was there and I was leaving,” who was going to care for her?” I said Connie will be here, she said but I do not know Connie, of course Connie has been working with her as a care giver for over a year, I said, mother I will be back tomorrow, she said, well I guess who ever is here, I will just ask them to please watch out for meSad smile  I just wish I was with someone I knew. So many changes in mother, today she ask Steve to come home with him, he told her she would be soon and she said she wanted to live with us, now keep in  mind mother will not remember this within minutes, but it is shouting at me, I have to do something, she is just not feeling safe and secure any more.  I am not sure she will feel that in living with us, but I can only go on the fact she knows us, may not understand I am her daughter all the time but she knows she is safe and cared for.  My home is totally different form hers, mother has always been a perfectionist in her home, I am notSmile it is straight but lived in, I have a cat and dog, I try to keep a clean home but it is not spotless, so mother and her care giver will have to adapt, it will be harder for the care give who will come during the day, she is real germ conscienceSmile not sure how she will like the dog and cat, the cat is outside most of the time but the little Cali dog is 18 yrs. old and a mini dashound, moody in her old ageSmile  I just am not sure how much my life will change with mother living here, I have been told not to do that till the last resort, but if I wait till last resort mother will not even know me, and its now she is scared and needing me. So in saying all that, I want her here but do not want to give up my alone time with Steve, I am excited for her to live here, but anxious she will not like it,  I have her home for sale, the month of Nov.  I am just praying I am making the right decision and that this will help mother feel safe and happy, also stimulate her mind more, maybe slow down her disease.  Mother does well with activity and she enjoys going places,  so with all that said, please be in prayer for this time for her and all of us.  I thought I would wait till her house sales before moving her,  be there at nights, have Connie 9-4 daily, except for the days Kay or April is helping. It is so hard to know your making correct decisions and the best, I second guess my self all the time. I thought the other day that apparently Walt and Mother knew I could do this or they would not have left me in charge,  which is a real burden to carry,  I just know I cannot stand to see her cry or not want me to leave her, so I hope this is the right thing.  

I listed two good homes today and showed property,  I am still working on getting my apt deal closed, which is majorSmile  Business is slower right now, so a good time for me to have time with mother, plus with care givers I can still work, in which I have to do and want to do.  I actually love selling Real Estate, I could just pour my self in work if not careful.  Hannah is moving this week, Regina her M-I-L is helping them and April is going Saturday till Tuesday, I am actually not helping, and it is so hard form me, but will be with mother all weekend so April can go help Hannah.  Our church is doing a Harvest fest Monday night so Sunday after church we will set up for that, like I say not sure how all this will work but ready to trySmile  Kay has not felt well, she will see her heart Dr. tomorrow, she has had weak spells, so pray for her, Jill’s daddy JL has done well with his five bypass open heart surgery, he is already home, keep them in your prayers.  Have a lot of paper work to do for work so will call it a night.    Hugs and night

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