Saturday, October 20, 2012

Life goes on

Some how life does go on after a death, you just keep putting one foot before the other, and hang on to the fun memories, try not to dwell on the bad ones, it is not easy not having a earthly mother but she actually was not able to be a mother for several years to me, I actually felt like her mother most of the time in the last year. So I have missed my mother for a long long time, but I still had her body and glimmers of her ever so often:)   I miss that.  So how do you go on from here?  I only know to cope the way I cope, which is take one day at a time and trust the Lord to give me grace and strength to walk each step He has placed before me.  Grief is a funny thing, you can be just fine then break down in tears, barley able to get your breath.  Then it goes weird!
I have taken this weekend to just process and write, I am writing a book on my journey with Alzheimer's, hoping it can help someone else:) I remember how lost I felt when I started this journey of trying to understand what Alzheimer's is, how and what and when will it start making changes in someone, can I have it? How do you die from it?  Why can't mother's friends and Walt realize the diagnoses and make plans???? Walt and her friends said she did not have it, told her not to take meds, turns out she did have it.  The first few years it was just forgetting appointments, daily routines, then forgetting how to cook or what spaghetti is, did not pay bills, or over paid bills, then driving and getting lost, asking a strange man to help her get home, then Walt past away and it threw mother into a major lossness in her mind, a place she could not pull out of, we did all the meds, not sure they helped or maybe they did but Alzheimer's took her pretty fast.  My sister said someone told her she was lucky that her mother did not stay in a nursing home for several years, I am so thankful she did not, I might of gone to jail, it was all I could do to stay civil when addressing her care, I would just cry leaving her there, I wanted to bring her back home so bad, but knew I was not physically or mentally able to give her the best care, the last week of her life we lived in her room, put a cot in there, Kay and I totally adored her, one thing I know for sure is our mother never wanted for anything, she was loved on, massaged down with good smelling lotions, her hair fixed daily, her nails and toe nails done, she never wanted for anything and she was happy.  I have no regrets in how I cared for her, I do have what ifs, which wish I didn't.  I just think God had mercy on her and took her home instead of leaving her here because the last week of her life was hard on her, especially in the fact she could not comprehend what was happening to her, yes, the diagnosis was correct, she had Alzheimer's and died from Alzheimer's, I understand now when someone says I just wish I could kiss her  one more time or hold and hug her one more time..............................someday we can love on the loved ones who have gone before us, that is my hope.  Before mother died, she smiled the biggest smile and was looking at the ceiling as if she was seeing someone, biggest smile I have ever seen and her face brighten up, not sure who she saw but who ever it was she was so happy to see them, her face had a look of amazement, I will never forget that, she was ready, I wish we had been:(  I do not think you can ever be ready for death of a loved one, you can try, and mentally prepare but what you can not prepare for is missing them, grieving, that is a process that does not start till after death. Yes I grieved the process of losing my mother daily but I still had her body to love on, take care of her, be with her, now I have memories to hang on to, I am making it day by day............knowing that she is free to be who she is, with the ones she loves, waiting on the others to join someday, until then I am going to be just fine, God is God in me and He is the refuge I run to, He is my strong tower and He is enough!  Life does go on................its a new chapter, finding me as a wife , mother, nana, friend and Realtor............I do love my life and love my family and friends, and ever so thankful for your prayers and friendship............if your struggling with grief I pray you find a place of refuge, let your self feel, journal, do what ever you need to do to express your feelings, grieve, have your cry, then get up put one foot in front of the other and become who you are without that person physically in your life anymore, you will always have them in your heart, no one can ever take that from you or from them!  hugs and thanks for listening:)  I truly believe happiness is a choice you make each day, you can choose to not let go and stay in the moment or you can choose to trust God and move on with your life, never feel guilty about going on, your just taking your love one with you in the next chapter of your life, they will always be there! 

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