Saturday, October 6, 2012

Good Mourning

The last two days have been hard for me but I am embracing the mourning of my mother's death.  I have been reading out of her bible for awhile now, I found my self smelling it yesterday morning, in which actually smells like her old home which was nicotine filled, but it made me feel close to her and Walt.  I have her perfume here still and smell it, it smells just like her, she wore one fragrance all the time.  I have received so many cards and I read them and reread them, one really stood out, it stated, I am sure you will miss her, the very one that rocked you in the beginning needed you most in the were there with your tender heart and steadfast loyalty, doing the right thing exactly the way she would have hoped, exactly the way she taught you to do, what a beautiful tribute to your mother.............another one is,   Her voice, Her Style, Her laugh, Her Smile, Her Words, Her Grace, Her eyes, Her Face, Her Love, Her Life and everything that made your mom so special to you will live through your memories..........these are so true, I have so many memories,  early one morning Steve and I were in bed, we heard mother, BUT she was coming down the hall from the living room, Steve said uh oh she came from the other way, I said she has rearranged some things:) I slept with mother most of the time, every night we had a routine, she would go to bath room, and I would try to get her teeth brushed, I would say mother lets brush your teeth, she would say I already have, so I would get the tooth brush ready, she would take it and usually try to do her hair, I would say here lets put it in your mouth, she would say I already did that, so I would brush my teeth, letting her watch, then she may or may not brush her teeth, she had upper dentures, I would say mother your top teeth come out, she would say they didn't, then I would say try to get them out, she would say, damn it they don't come out! Take yours out and she would touch mine to get them out, she said see I told you they did not come out:) We would laugh, Then a few minutes later I would say, mother can you get those top teeth out, she would put her hand to them and take them out and we would brush them:) Some nights they just did not get brushed, then we would go to her room and get in the bed, mother forgot how to get in the bed, if she put her knee on it first it would turn into her not knowing what to do and we would just laugh and laugh at getting in the bed, we usually sit on it, took off slippers, she would put them on her night stand then lay down and I would get her legs situated, she would always say, you gonna spend the night with me? I would lay beside her and we would talk, I would tell her good night and kiss her tell her I love her and she would say I love you too, sometimes she would say Linda:)  One night out of the blue she said I love you Linda goodnight:)

I am so so thankful I moved her in with me, there were times I did not think I could do it, would pray God please help me be patient with mother and understanding, these were usually middle of the night deals when she could not sleep or have diarrhea, believe it or not I quit gagging at all that, I just did what had to be done to care for mother. 

 Good thing she is small:)
 her favorite PJ's:) her hair was a mess, a week before her passing

 Brushing her teeth:) this was that look, Linda my  teeth do not come out!
In saying all this, it was not all me in caring for mother, I had caregivers, Kay did all she could do to help with mother, mother was so loved, she went 25 years with fresh flowers every week, something Walt started, and it continued after his death.  There is  no doubt mother got the very best care we could give her, when I thought the nursing home was not doing their best, I discussed it with them, Kay said after my last meeting that they were treating mother like she was the Presidents wife, in which they should be, still not all to my liking but all in all mother loved them too, I want to go back and visit some of her friends there when I can.  I want to go to the cemetery when the headstone is engraved and make sure it is all correct, but most of all I am letting my self grieve the way I grieve and enjoying my memories of my precious mother,  Someone at the funeral ask me where were pictures of daddy on the DVD, to be honest I did not even think of that part of mother's life, I wish I had, but I do not have many pictures of daddy with mother, not sure where they are at, I have some hard memories with my daddy but a lot of fun ones too, seems odd that I did not remember to find something of him in her life, but there was only two of Walt, it was about mother on the dvd.  I am thankful for a cold rainy day to have time just to sit and reflect on her life and her funeral, I loved the service, I loved seeing mother in private in her favorite PJ's and I loved the casket, Going Home Series, she is home, no more wanting to go home each day............I love my mother!

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