Sunday, October 5, 2014

Who, what, where and where am I?

This is probably the most take my mask off blog I will ever write, I woke up crying over what Beverly endured, this has shaken me to the core of my belief's. Beverly was a strong women of God, she went down to the alter praying and praising the Lord at church a few weeks back, God was her strength, her provider, she had five loans fall out in Sep. so I am sure she was trusting God for her income. Her precious husband held his hands to the Lord during her service and her son's. begging God to see them through this and not let their hearts be bitter or harden toward her killer.   I have no doubt Beverly was praying for her killer.....makes me feel sick to even think that but that is who she was.  When I saw him coming from Jail, and he was hurting and looked like he was hurting, I had a twinge of feeling sorry for him that totally shocked me, I did not want that, I am angry at him. Makes me mad at me to have felt sorry for him,  I begged God to show us where Beverly was, looked hours upon hours, but no Beverly.  WHY?   I have always thought God will protect me and my family, Beverly thought the same, and yet this happened.......the only thing I can fall back on, is when the storms have come, in the middle I feel vulnerable, but in a few years I can see some good that came form the storm, such as Jared's cancer.  Even in that time, I wrestled with God, but there is a scripture in the bible that states, if I run where can I turn that God is not there?  He is either your hope or not, even though right now I do not understand Him, there is no doubt He is my hope and shield and next breath, I have no doubt you do not live though the evil in this world with out His strength nor would I ever try but I am letting Him know I need comfort and understanding.  I think of the persecuted church, I can not even fathom that.....just can not even wrap my head around it.  We do not live in a sweet little world, this world belongs to the devil, this is not our home and that is what I have to remember.  As I said I am letting my mask off, I am being sued by my nephew and sister because they believed I miss used mother's money, keep in mind mother lived with me, it took every dime to care for her in the way she was use too, and provide cared giver's for three years before her death, I am the one and Steve who cared for her day in and day out. Its funny how people want to know about the finances but never bother to help change the diapers or be up all night, it has broken my heart, totally torn it into. LIES the devil has used against us both. I have not spoke to my sister in over a year and I love her and her family dearly, I would of never thought this would ever happen, and yes its about the money, people can say what they want, but its always about greed and money. This is a painful as mother's death to me. I will be glad when it is all over, maybe my heart can began to heal her death and the pain of losing my sister through this all and my nephew and niece and their families who we all love.  My 23 yr. old daughter is moving out next week to go live  with her boyfriend in a unsafe area of 65th and Arch, neither can support them self, neither are walking where God has called them to walk.  It totally scares me for her. Begging God to change her.  Other problems with my  children  that I am praying for that are critical.....just so much evil in this world.  SO many things of the world to get our focus off God. I am telling my self now and daily, minute by minute, I am strong in the Lord, it is Him who I will trust, though all around me give way my trust will be in you God my Father, you have always seen me through so many crisis and I know you will see my though all this. Help me let my heart heal and trust gain, heal my family, strengthen the Carter's to continue lifting their hands to you, my hands or lifted up, I surrender  all to you, these are your children and I am your child and I know you love me, even though I have realized you may let harm come my way, you love me and will give me grace to walk in the steps you have ordered for my life.  Jesus I will trust you no matter what.  When I cry I know you wipe my tears away, when I doubt you, I know you love me any, when I get mad at you I know your patient with me, when I need you I know your always there. Be there for my family and make sense of this all and be there for the Carter's. I love you Lord Jesus. Praying in  your sweet name Jesus, Amen  People say I have the perfect family and I do, we are just like all the other families with their own problems, I just hope they know Jesus to see them through too.    I pray they are as close to each other as mine and lean on each other for strength, God has totally blest Steve and I with a special family and I think Him for that.

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